The Jazzy Vegetarian

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The Jazzy Vegetarian is the craziest bitch on television today. What I mean, really, is that she’s mentally fucking ill and needs to be put away. She constantly refers to feeding her husband in the past tense, and if she claims to feed him the food that she makes on her show, she clearly murdered him years ago and his mummified corpse is the only company she has in the house.

Today, she made something called Strawberry Mountain Pie, which is totally vegan. The crust consisted of cookies and motherfuckin’ TAHINI. Tahini, makes hummus taste like goddamned hummus. So, she slops that together, presses it into a crust that’s falling apart and bakes it while she makes the filling… tofu. Tofu. The filling is made of tofu. She blends it up and bakes it and that’s where the “strawberry mountain” part comes into play. She smashes whole strawberries into the cracking surface of her culinary abortion while it cracks and splinters (who the fuck is going to take a bite of a whole strawberry when trying to eat a pie?), and the pop out of the surface looking like stinky, wet dog dicks. They look like mountains, she swears.

Cerberus's cock

Cerberus’s cock

That’s not the worst part. The worst part was when she sang as the pie reached completion. “Ah, doodle-a-dwee-da, sweet strawberry mooooountain pie!”

She also relays a time in her life when she was desperately looking for a restaurant that served vegan food, so she stopped at a steak house. These are the ramblings of a woman who needs help. She lives in a different plane of reality and something needs to be corrected, as she has a chemical imbalance. I fear that she may be prone to violent outbursts when the cameras aren’t rolling. How else could she have created a vegan food empire without violence on hand as a tool? She doesn’t have the cooking ability to create an empire.

Not once at the end of this show, mind you, do you ever ACTUALLY SEE HER eat her food. You only hear the sound of her smacking her lips and then you’re left to imagine that she actually ate her own strawberry mountain.

Please. I beg of you, watch this supercut.

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