Thoughts That Occurred While Watching “Fifty Shades”


When a movie that’s (probably) as bad as this comes out, I find that it’s important to actually get to it and watch the goddamn thing so that when you crack jokes about it, you can crack jokes with some sort of authority. Yesterday, or the day before, I had made some too-spicy burritos. I added the same amount of chiles that I always do, but this batch was about 20x spicier than usual. The next morning, getting ready for work, I told my girlfriend, “Ooof, I just took the spiciest shit ever. Why’d I eat two burritos?!”

“Because you like being in pain?”

“So, you’re saying I’m like that guy from Fifty Shades of Grey?”

Fifty Shades of Poop.”

“Next time I poop, I’m gonna poop with a blindfold on.”

So, tonight, I actually made my out to see it. I wasn’t planning on it, but there was a SWAT team outside at this apartment across the street and we weren’t technically supposed to be inside–this cop said we should either evacuate or be in the backyard–and it was too stressful to be home, so we went out. The following are thoughts that occurred to me while watching Fifty Shades of Grey.

— There’s about 50 people in attendance tonight. About… 50 SHADES of people in attendance? No? Anybody? Aw, go to hell.

— Oh, Marcia Gay Harden is in this movie? More like Marcia GREY Harden, amirite, guys? What? Still nothing?

— Ah, Anastasia, the heroine of this story, drives a cooky car–a VW bug–so you know she’s worth rooting for. What I don’t understand though, is why her goddamned bangs are so crooked, but her makeup is always on perfectly, even while asleep?

— There are way too many closeups in this interview scene. Usually, you get a mixture of medium shots, closeup shots for emphasis, a master shot to balance it all out… I’m seeing nothing but noses and eyes. It’s my own fault for sitting so close to the screen. I wanted to feel like I was all up in dat ass, I guess.

— The guy behind us is awesome. He keeps grunting in agreement with stuff. When Anastasia “accidentally” asks Christian Grey if he’s gay, the guy behind us went, “Mmm?” like, “So? Are you?”

— Anastasia comes out of the interview and sighs toward the sky and it’s raining hard. Could this be a “her pussy is so wet” metaphor?

— So, our plucky heroine comes home and makes herself a sandwich and her roommate is all, “Thanks I’m hungry,” and grabs it and eats it and the guy behind us is all, “Oh, wow! No she didn’t!”

— Okay. These metaphors keep on a-comin’ (no, not cummin’). She’s in class and she’s got Christian’s penisil and she’s like sticking it her mouth and just when I’m like, “Is that pencil supposed to be his wiener?” there’s a closeup shot of it going into her mouth.

— Anastasia apparently works at a hardware store. Just when I’m wondering if she gets a discount on bondage shit, Christian fucking Grey shows up (of course he does) and behind them is a non-subtle poster with a variety of knots illustrated.

— The roommate in this movie looks about fifteen years older than Anastasia, but acts about ten years younger. I think they’re supposed to be the same age.

— Does the actor who plays Christian have an accent in real life? Or is he possibly mildly retarded?

— Anastasia is considering deleting Christian’s phone number for her cell phone and the guy behind me just gasped audibly.

— She ends up calling the dude, because she’s drunk, and he goes into full stalker mode. He asks her where she is and if she’s drunk and he must use some sort of illegal cell phone tracking device because he shows up to save the day–even coming to the rescue with a “No means no!” lesson for some creep–and no one thinks it’s weird. It’s insanely weird. Right?

— If he’s such a control freak, he really should have given her a breath mint after she puked. Unless vom-breath is the one thing he likes not having control over.

— Christian just tore his shirt off, crawled into bed with Anastasia, and took a bite out of her toast and made some joke about spanking (WE GET IT!!) that would have been out-of-date on I Love Lucy. And it didn’t make a lick of sense.

— They finally fucking kiss and they’re in an elevator and there’s a poster that simply says “Jazz” but I think it means “Jizz.”

— Mr. Grey’s driver looks like Lance Armstrong. Better not let him drive into some parked cars. OOOOHHHHH!!! Topical!!

— Another lame sex metaphor comes up when Christian buckles Anastasia into his helicopter. It’s all done in such graphic closeup. Plus, this helicopter ride looks expensive. Way too expensive for a first date.

— He wants her to sign some sort of sex contract that I don’t think will ever hold up in a court of law. “Your honor, I made her sign this contract to get butt sex whenever I want and she said she was tired!” “You heard the man!”

— Christian tells Anastasia, “I don’t make love. I fuck.” The guy behind me makes this Mmmmm! sound. When Christian says, “Come,” and it’s presumably a double entendre, the guy behind me makes an even louder Mmmmm! sound.

— Oh, my fucking god. These sex metaphors are getting to be too much, even for a so-bad-it’s-good movie. A key slid into a lock and the key is clearly never going to call that doorknob again.

— Why does he lock a room in his own house where no one lives? Is it just in case someone breaks in, they’ll hopefully not bother breaking down yet another door and find his embarrassing room full of dildos and stuff?

— Mr. Grey is finally breaking down his sadomasochism thing and he says he rewards good behavior. She asks what she wins and he says, “You win me!” so the guy behind me fires back, “Tsk! You ain’t all that!” I want the guy behind me to have his own MST3K reboot show.

— She’s a virgin. Of course she’s a virgin.

— Finally. They fuckin’.

— The lighting looks good and the actress who plays Anastasia is attractive, but when her pants slide down, the light catches each follicle of hair on her legs. She’s not hairy, but she looks hairy. It’s the perfect storm for making an attractive woman’s legs look like my legs.

— How come this dude’s chest sores appear and disappear? It’s like the ink stain in Who Framed Roger Rabbit.

— Christian reveals how many women he’s had stay in this special sex room. Fifteen. Seems like a low number for a reasonably-attractive millionaire. He must have halitosis.

— After all this talk about treats and rewards, I’m pretty sure he thinks of Anastasia as a human-looking dog that he can have sex with. When he drives her out to the woods while she sleeps, I expect him to open the door and just abandon her.

— Wow. He just offered to take her for a walk. She… she’s a dog. I want her to run out of the woods alone and wordlessly explain to someone that Christian is trapped in a well.

— He’s telling her about all the normal things he’s never done with a woman, like sleep in a bed next to one. And it’s supposed to be sexy.

— Aw, how sweet. He bought her a sex computer. For sex research. Sex research for the sex contract.

— It looks like Christian’s scars are more prominent and visible when he’s aroused.

— As part of the contract, the submissive can’t drink to excess or take recreational drugs. Fuuuuck that. If someone’s gonna do that shit to me, I’m gonna need like four blunts and a bottle of tequila.

— Even though he already scolded a guy for not taking no for an answer, Christian shows up at Anastasia’s house all mad at her for not signing a contract and busts out the weird sex without any warning.

— He’s doing something that’s supposed to be sexy with an ice cube on her body and he’s all, “Is that n-ice? Get it? Ice?” He’s 2015’s answer to Mr. Freeze.

— Do these guys have jobs anymore? The actual preparation for their sex scenes seems to take up all of their time, so they can’t work or watch TV like normal people… not when there’s whips to be sorted.

— If there’s one thing I learned, Christian, it’s that women love it when you tell them about the other women you’ve fucked.

— In her negotiation for the contract, the sex contract, her own terms stipulate there will be no anal fisting. No vaginal fisting, either. So, no fisting of any kind. Just when you’re thinking she’s getting savvy about this thing, she asks, “What are butt plugs?” What the fuck do you think they are, dummy? They’re plugs for your butt.

— He added something to the contract: Once a week, they get to go on a date like normal people. They can go to the movies or dinner or whatever. Oh! I know! You guys should go see Fifty Shades of Grey at a theater near you!

— For every bit as stupid as Anastasia not knowing what a butt plug is, it’s even worse that Christian says he would be “pleased to discover” her naked under her dress. That’s how clothes work, dude. We’re naked under ’em.

— Ohhhh now that’s contract negotiatin’! She cock-teased a clit-tease!

— At the graduation he’s making it really clear that the two of them have had sex and it’s weird.

— Champagne out of tea cups?! I thought this guy was supposed to be classy!

— What the fuck, dude. He just had her car towed to be sold so he could buy her a new one. You should get people’s consent before you do something like that. Your weird ass should know that by now.

— Christian tells Anastasia to kick off her shoes and she does and they’re sockless flats she’s been wearing and walking around all day in and you can just see the stink cloud knock ’em both out.

— The first S&M scene is shot without any care to make it erotic. It is simply a horror movie scene and this Beyonce cover sounds like something from Hannibal.

— In every sex scene in this movie he comes close to going down on her and then stops. “Nahhhhh…. not gonna do that.”

— The reasons this dude comes up with such elaborate sex scenes and ideas is because once he sticks his dick in he only lasts like a minute.

— Marcia Gay Harden is technically in this movie, but has never come close to saying anything interesting. What a goddamn waste.

— He just revealed that he’s a crack baby and that’s part of why he’s so messed up, but she was asleep when he said it. What a pointless scene.

— This will-she/won’t-she phone answering scene might have been emotionally complex if they were like 13.

— He came to Georgia to visit her without any sort of notice after getting mad at her for going in the first place. I think this movie might end with him killing her.

— If the roles were reversed and Christian were Crissy Grey, this movie would be a thriller.

— Duuuuude! Christian has the biggest thumb I’ve ever seen. It looks like a cartoon punching bag.

— Half of the budget must have gone toward expensive means of travel for the two lovebirds. That and Hawaiian shirts for the glider owner.

— She asks him what he’s afraid of and he takes a long time to answer. I’m so disappointed he doesn’t just spit out, “Spiders!”

— Huh. This movie turned into The Passion of the Christ so gradually I never even noticed.

— Finally. He eats her out.

— He emphasizes his NEED to punish her. That’s, uh… okay. Wait, what?

— He refers to himself as Fifty Shades of Fucked-Up. Unless you’re in a movie called Fifty Shades of Grey, saying something like that doesn’t make sense. It’d be like if, out of nowhere, someone was like, “Man I feel like I flew over a cuckoo’s nest!” What the hell are you talking about?

— He punishes her, right, and it totally looks like he has an orgasm. That’s fucking serial killer shit right there. Andrei Chikatilo comes to mind.

— This movie treats S&M as a disease instead of a sexual fetish that consenting adults would engage in.

— Oh, wow. And it ends like Star Gate. Or Super Mario Bros. They really needed this to be a hit to make that sequel. I kind of wish it just ended this way though. “I’m not into whipping. Bye!” THE END. They never see each other again.

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